Sister Mojo

As previously noted in this blog (and other places), I’m fairly certain my biological clock got mistaken for my alarm clock one morning and ended up in pieces on my bedroom floor.  This is why I have dogs- furry, fun, not as much crying…

They inspire some sort of maternal instinct- I worry terribly when I see trucks with dogs in the back or when dogs run out into the street and I pray no one hits them.

So imagine my surprise when I realized that the people down the street child rearing made me look like Mother Teresa…

You think dogs in the back of a pick-up is bad- what if every afternoon you drive a bunch of small kids around in the back of a pick-up that looks like this?

Am I the only one that has visions of some sort of “Final Destination” freak accident?  I watch this every afternoon and cringe.  But imagine my shock the other morning when I saw one of the family’s relatives come careening around the corner in an old  Econoline van and screech to a halt.

Why?

CAUSE THE 15 MONTH OLD WAS IN THE STREET ONLY WEARING A DIAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who was watching it?  the 5 year old.  Where was mom? Don’t know.  Dad?  Don’t know.

I treat my dogs better than they treat their kids- and that is so sad.

brig Animals

but, no.  It wasn’t.

I think the reason I haven’t been posting is that my free post time is now taken up by football- cause it is that time, and I love it.  Even right now, LSU is running the ball pretty well against Georgia.  Now if they could only get into the endzone…

And tomorrow is the Saints vs the Jets-  which actually reminds me of a little non-sport anecdote:

Jojo calls last night and says, “Don’t drive down Chipewa and Soraparu on the way over.”

Me: Well, it’s out of my way, but why not?

Jojo:  Oh, these guys are on the corner and I think they’re going to have a shoot out.

Me: Oh… “The Jets are going to get it tonight….”

Jojo: Yeah, they should, like, do a musical about gangs.

Me: They did.  It’s called WEST SIDE STORY.

silence.

Jojo: I’m going to hang up now.

- gonna go and watch LSU now- GEAUX TIGERS!!!

brig Uncategorized

I woke up at 7:30- let my dogs out.

That was my first mistake.  I should have just hid in bed all day.

So Charlie and ZoZo go out to pottie and Charlie comes back and goes in and ZoZo comes back and she’s chewing on something and I’m hoping it’s not cat poop.  So I say,”Drop it.” and Surprise! She does.  And I lean down to see cause it’s sort of moving and I don’t have my glasses on and I realize that it’s a dead bug body and it’s moving cause of the.. you know… just think of the rice in “The Lost Boys”… yeah.

So I jump back, and have to flick it off the front porch and then beat the remaining “rice” with a stick, cause not only am I BLIND, but I’m barefoot as well.  We go inside and I immediately hunted up ZoZo’s toothbrush.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the doggie toothpaste.  So I, having the complete and total wiggins AND willies, figured I’d just use my Tom’s toothpaste cause it’s natural.

So I do, and then as soon as I’m done- I realize it has Xylitol in it and that it is very toxic to dogs- and Holy Crap! now I’ve just poisoned the dog.  Luckily Zozo is fine, but I spent an hour worrying my head off.

The rest of the day went like this:

• had no puppy food.
• Accidentally viewed online a spoof of microwaving a dog- still very disturbing.
• NSF’d my account.
• went to bank to deposit a check to get out of NSF-land.
• got ignored by teller in favor of commercial walk ins.
• found out teller has no idea where my previous deposit is.
• because was ignored, spent too long in bank, and got caught in deluge.
• had to crawl out passenger side door so as to avoid the river that was my street.
• almost got struck by lightning.
• instead of actually getting struck, lightning just knocked out the power.
• spent last $10 buying flowers to take to cemetery.
• Cried.
• Cried some more.
• Came home and let all the dogs out- one pooped in the neighbor’s house.
• took dogs to dog park- neighbor’s dog hangs out, then decides to take off.  Charlie follows, then ZoZo- I collect much atmosphere with my body while chasing them down.
• return home, shower and slather with Benadryl cream, because I got eaten alive by bugs.

So that’s it- I’m sure there were other things- but eh- whatever.

Here’s hoping tomorrow is better.

brig Animals, languid descriptiveness

(please note: tongue firmly planted in cheek)

hmm… no work… equals no money… equals cutbacks in spending  (I’m starting to sound like I should be on one of those news channels)…. and changing shopping habits… which equals less profits for companies… equals layoffs… equals no work….

yeah- I get it- and I’ve been trying to be good- I haven’t stepped inside a Holy Foods in a month- I’ve been shopping at HelMart!!! And I’m okay with that, but this recession thing has got to go!  Why, you ask?  Why are you NOW invested in this, when normally you have the economic intelligence of a pea, you ask??

Because I can no longer afford my coffee.

That’s right- this recession is hitting hard.  It is my one indulgence, really.  Other people do wine, liquor, cheese, body products, movies, music- I do coffee.

I like it organic- because I don’t like the idea of someone picking it and being covered in pesticides and getting sick.  I like it fair trade, because it brings me so much joy, that I believe whoever supplies me with that joy should get a living wage.  And I like a good roast- not overroasted so it all tastes like ick- not so acidic that it tries to eat my stomach.

I like the syrupiness of an Italian Roast, the smokiness of a French Roast- I LIKE MY COFFEE!!!

And I can’t afford it.  I’ve been experimenting with other brands-

• Archer’s Organic, Fair Trade Nicaraguan (eh.)
• HelMart’s Organic Blend(better, but not fair trade)
• HelMart’s Fair Trade French Roast (middlin’, but not Organic!)
• and the last Seattle’s Beast Organic Fair Trade French Roast (absolutely tasteless- luckily for me, while writing this post, I thought a cup of coffee would be good- and just accidentally knocked over  almost the whole bottle I had cold brewed it in- so I won’t have to suffer for too long- and I had such hopes-sigh).

People need to start spending agian so there will be work- I need to start spending again- on COFFEE.  It’s either that or start Mojo’s Coffee Fund- Please Donate NOW- cause writing “will work for organic fair trade french roast coffee” on cardboard is going to be a bitch.

brig Wicked, philosophical pearls

Last night Princess, JoJo, and I went out to the usual watering hole and listened to the band and met up with all the locals.  An entertaining and interesting evening followed in which libations were enjoyed by all as well as exciting conversation!  It was a drinking, dancing, guitar playing, boob flashing, song singing, rummy playing, bath taking, neighbor waking hell of an evening that ended around 5 AM.  We also learned that Princess has a wonderful voice but somehow does not know the words to “Sexual Healing” or “No Woman No Cry”.  (?)

In other words it was like “Moulin Rouge” but without the tuberculosis.

Needless to say- I was a wee bit tired today- and unfortunately had to go to HelMart for necessities- like garbage bags, soymilk and detergent.  And instead of going to the shiny new HelMart (which looks like the old ones- but just a tad cleaner) way far away from my house (because it was 530 PM and rush hour hell), I went to the older HelMart nearby.

And here’s where the Twist comes in.

Cause I was feeling a bit bobbleheaded… Maybe I was “spewing ketones”- to quote the Doc… but I felt ok knowing that I had my list and I just had to follow the list and the typical HelMart layout and I could be in and out of there in 30 minutes or so.

Except…

They were redoing the store- laying in new flooring and new shelving.

Clothing racks were next to the cashiers, huge swaths of floor were empty, aisles were narrow… and the food….

Paper and cleaning goods were in the shoe department, other stuff surrounded the dairy…. And the stuff that was still on the grocercy side???? On shelves, but not on the aisles they were labeled- Pasta sauce? on the cookie aisle- Oatmeal?  shoe dept- Cheez-its? ummm- would that be a snack cracker (baking aisle) or a  cracker ?                   (con- dim-ENTS!!!)

——————————————————————–

I’m fairly certain that I had many more humorous observations about this trip when I began writing this post on July 18th- in fact, I know I did- but then the blog ate the entry while I was trying to post and this is all that’s left. Silly blog- posts are for reading!

brig Wicked, philosophical pearls

you call it camel

i call it crippling backbend

i hobble creak groan

—————–

today was wit’s end

then i got on to the mat

peace is mine once more

—————–

i struggle down dog

you stretch and say it’s easy

get off my mat pooch

brig Animals, haiku

It’s been 2 weeks since Zoe (or Zozo) has come to live with me and Charlie.

And I think I know why I don’t have kids.  I would be the mom to drop them off at the hospital and say,”Here ya go- I can’t do this.”

I really am looking at no kill shelters where I can bring her.  She’s a great, smart, sassy little cutie, but I am not a puppy person- I just don’t have enough time and concentration to focus on her to keep her from pottying in the house. And that’s her only flaw- she’s just not housetrained- and it’s driving me crazy.

And I feel like a crappy human being for feeling that way about an animal who should have a wonderful home.  And I wonder how I will ever have anything more in my life, if I can’t even take care of a puppy.

I’m starting to wonder if I can even take care of myself- cause I sort of feel I’m failing at that too.  And I wonder, am I the ONLY one that feels like this, or do others feel like this too?

And now I’ve realized I’ve become an emoblogger- whining about feelings on a blog…

excuse me, please, while I go apply some black lipstick, so I can go wipe up a peepee puddle…

peace out

brig Animals

are either totally true, might possibly be one day, or total fabrications of my wildly overactive imagination.

• I should probably get a job, but I’ve sort of enjoyed being my own housewife.
• I think I’m getting a little tan, but that could be my imagination.
• I have a theory that North Korea shot down that Air France flight as a missile test.
• I’m trying hard not to let my annoyance with little things, like peeing on the floor, influence my decision about whether to keep Zoe.
• Charlie is finally playing with Zoe today, which I think is a good sign.
• I think I have become a champion sleeper and think there should be a contest with a huge Grand Prize for that.
• Despite trying it on The 4th, apple pie (no matter how patriotic) still comes in second to cherry pie for me.
• I have a theory that the govt killed MJ so the media would cover that instead of troop movement in Iraq and that other place… you know, what’sitname…whatchyacallit place… the place with the blankets…
• I haven’t thought of a good haiku in quite some time.
• I’m wondering why Charlie and Zoe playing has to include constant barking… oy.
• Think I might need a rug for the kitchen, since the game is run around the table and bark… ve.
• I have to go paint now.

see ya.

brig Animals, philosophical pearls

I bought a set of chopsticks today.

Not because I am an ace at eating with them. (I am, thanks to Yurie and her weeklong “you will only eat with chopsticks for a week and the final exam is soup” chopstick eating course.)  But I bought them because of my hand.

For some reason, on Wednesday, my right ring finger started hurting and I made the comment that I felt like it would feel better if I just jammed a chopstick into my hand and wiggled it around.  And then, coincidentally, Jojo and I went and ate sushi, where I palmed (ha ha) an extra set of chopsticks.  But these were very blunt ended, and so today when I saw some with more pointy ends, I bought them.

I used one to acupressure my hand (btw- like an orgasm for my hand).

And then I came home.  To find Zoe, the Destructo Puppy, had wreaked havoc in the kitchen… luckily, it was the only room she was allowed in, while I was gone.  She might have to get “crated” from now on…nice way to say “caged like the beast you are!!!”.

Oh yeah- the other chopstick?

I used it to KNIT my area rug back together, after Destructo had pulled all the knubby fabric bits out.

You might be cute, smart and sassy, Destructo Beast, but I have opposable thumbs… advantage me.

I never thought I would say this, but I might miss Charlie’s “Farticus”.

At least the only thing Farticus ever assaulted was my nose

brig Animals, Naughty, Wicked

or

Wow. Who Knew If You Didn’t Do It Regularly, Your Knees Would Hurt?

Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Oh, Jesus- Is this blog going NC17?”  After my last post I wouldn’t blame ya’ll.  But actually I was talking about going to church this morning.

Now, I’m guessing some of ya’ll are relieved, and a lot of ya’ll are probably still clutching your chests, going, “Say WHAT?”

I know, I know, I went THERE, and I didn’t burst into flames.

“But YOU? But, why?”

I made a deal with God and my dead grandmother- it wasn’t bad- except it was at 8 AM on a Sunday… I know, I know- who am I and what have I done with Mojo?

So not only did I go to Mass, but I performed good works today, too.  My niece called and asked if I wanted a puppy- a skin and bones puppy she had found… and since it was ridiculously early, and I was still basking in the presence of youknowwho- I said yes.

Which is how, I am sitting here typing with a 4 month old skin and bones puppy lying on my foot, who some fool let loose in the woods, as well as let her harness grow into her armpit.  They should be strung up by their toes, or other parts that will not be mentioned so as to keep this blog from being NC17.

Check out this cute face-

so sweet!

Charlie is still rolling his eyes at me… “Really, Mom?”

Yes, yes, but if I wasn’t suckered in by every cute face, I would never have gotten you.  or Bella.  Or that Rottie named Ham…. or…

Chloe!

brig Animals